when to use profanity.
as collected by robert e. mckenzie
while sheltering at home i just watched a mark twain biography. hence the emphasis on that great writer in this edition.
“i don’t know of a single foreign product that enters this country untaxed, except the answer to prayer.” – mark twain
more: tax season funnies: the next political party symbol | gabriel and saint peter confer | a tax lawyer at the pearly gates | gargoyles in the irs? | the ‘service’ in irs
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“no man’s life, liberty or property is safe while congress is in session.” – mark twain
“[i] shall never use profanity except in discussing house rent and taxes. indeed, upon second thought, i will not use it then, for it is unchristian, inelegant and degrading – though to speak truly i do not see how house rent and taxes are going to be discussed worth a cent without it.” – mark twain
“twenty-five years from now, you won’t remember what you did; you’ll remember what you didn’t do.” – mark twain
“i know all those people [i.e., tax evaders]. i have friendly, social and criminal relations with the whole lot of them.” – mark twain
“if you don’t read the newspaper you are uninformed; if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed.” – mark twain
“suppose you were an idiot. and suppose you were a member of congress. but then i repeat myself.” – mark twain
“there is no distinctly native american criminal class … save congress.” – mark twain
an irs agent contacted a preacher to verify a parishioner’s church contributions and asked, “did mr. smith give $6,000 to your church?” the father said, “he will, son. he will.”
a man, called to testify at the irs, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. “wear your shabbiest clothing. let him think you are a pauper.”
then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. “do not let them intimidate you. wear your most elegant suit and tie.”
confused, the man went to his rabbi, told him of the conflicting advice and requested some resolution of the dilemma.
“let me tell you a story,” replied the rabbi. “a woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. ‘wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.’ but when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice: ‘wear your most sexy negligee, with a v neck right down to your navel.’
the man protested, “what does all this have to do with my problem with the irs?”
“no matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed.”
